I believe we all have gloomy days in our lives. The days when we feel conflicted with ourselves. I have them often, and it has nothing to do with self-confidence and esteem. Life is unpredictable, and we are so caught up in figuring it out, but in doing so, we often come to dead ends from where we have to backtrack a little to get on the right street again.
I often associate my gloomy days with those dark days when you only see grey clouds outside, and I have no idea why, but just by seeing that, my mood dives. I think that's the main reason I have come to hate rain.
But it's just not my mood. I turn silent and start thinking deeply about my future, about the choices I am making right now. And I feel it's good because it helps me self-reflect. But it also makes me out of focus. I remain silent for the whole day, often replying late to things I have been asked, and many more such things.
But during this day, the only comfort I get is by doing something familiar. I guess to do something that I already know, to remove the factor of unpredictability. I will often rewatch some movies or series or maybe read Harry Potter (it's the only book I re-read). And take comfort in knowing what's to come.
When I think about it now, I am not comfortable with leaving everything to chance. I am a planner; I have plans for 5 years from now, 10 years from now, and 30 years from now. And these days make me realize that none of those plans might work out. It throws me into a tailspin, and I have to sleep on it and pray that tomorrow is a better day and I stop feeling this way.
But the most complicated thing is, I like darkness. I love nights and everything black. I find my peace in the quiet of the night. I am awake most nights just to hear the silence that the darkness holds. And the only dark thing I don't like is the grey clouds in the sky in the middle of the day.
Yes, I am well aware of how twisted I am.
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